Colourless Tsukuru Tazaki

 

Loneliness bites some of us harder than the rest, without a real explanation. We learn to accept it, work around it and with practice, become adept at it. Tsukuru Tazaki was one of us.

 

Without much prelude, he is embraced by the warm friendship of his fellow classmates. And yet, he questions his right to belong. He sees the rest of his friends as superior, colourful beings while he himself stays colourless (hence the book title). Like a misinformed immune system, Tsukuru’s subconscious constantly shorts down signs of validation, choosing instead to find familiarity in self doubt. And so, when his friends abandon him without explanation, he unhappily accepts it as the fate he has been waiting for, 

 

And there begins young Tsukuru’s journey towards complicated adulthood. Marred by four failed friendships, he steels himself against the world by crawling into a deep dark hole. He stays there willingly waiting for imminent threat to pass. Except with time, the deep dark hole is where he lives day after day and night after night. In fact with the humdrum of the outside world drowned out, the voices in his head grow louder. They cast a shadow of doubt so long it stretches into depression. Death begins to seem like an extension of life rather than a violent end. He doesn’t scheme or plot for ways to kill himself, but when the time came, he’d be ready for it. 

 

Miraculously though, over time, Tsukuru manages to crawl out of his hole. Except now his shadow weighs heavier than his soul. To the naked eye, he lives a normal life- college, swimming, occasional relationships- never quite involved, never fully trusting.

 

And then Sara happens. Smart, confident, non-judgemental Sara who makes Tsukuru dive into the past. I would like to think what he finds makes him feel, if not less alone then definitely more validated. More often than not, the pleasant green meadows we see spare no hints about the molten lava inside. Drowned out by his own feelings, Tsukuru doesn’t realize, until too late, how much Shiro was suffering too. Death may have lurked around every corner for him, but it swooped in and swallowed her whole. Did he feel relieved it wasn’t him? I doubt it. When you’ve been swimming in a sea of endless pain, you merely understand when someone else goes down under. If your arms were as tired, or the waves as high, it could have been you. 

 

In the end, Tsukuru cant change who he is. Clinging on to Sara gives him hope, but he knows if things don’t work out, she will slip back into his darkness. For some of us, loneliness is not a possibility but a dark eventuality. The paradox is- we may gravitate towards this state of being, but we don’t have to like it. Tsukuru Tazaki was a lonely guy.

 

Tsukur Tazaki was one of us.