Know My Name

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“I envy those who live unguarded”- Chanel Miller

 

Sometimes, a single incident can change the course of your life in unthinkable ways, splitting your soul right down the middle into two halves- the innocent and colourful "Before" and the scarred and bereft "After". 

 

Chanel Miller’s story was one such. As victim of a straight-forward rape case, Chanel is engulfed in a 5 year long legal battle against her perpetrator. In these 5 years, she has to move on with life and yet keep revisiting these haunting memories. As she does so, she takes the reader with her on this journey and we get a front row seat to her mental health struggles. 


As you read this book, you build a strong understanding of what it takes to live with a secret that's slowly eating you up from the inside. A secret so big and so convoluted, if you had to tell your friends about it, you wouldnt know where to begin. Facts and judgement are so horribly entangled, just the thought of sharing tires you out. 


So you choose not to. 


You never talk about it out loud over intimate chats, and in quiet moments, you try and block it out of your mind's view as best as you can. A problem only exists if you see it.


And yet like that ghost from that movie, it sits on your shoulders, weighing you down every damn day. So you double down- try harder to ignore. You are always on high alert- the tiniest of moves can give you away. You must be cautious, at all times. You are so careful and so tightly wound, this secret now comes to define you. Unprovoked tears flow freely at the slightest push, leaving you dazed and confused. You crave the warmth of an intimate embrace and yet cannot find the energy to reach out. Slowly, you feel yourself slipping away.


Chanel's story tore its way through my heart; not because it’s a familiar story of rape, humiliation or blanket judgement at the hands of strangers but because I realize in the pit of my stomach this could easily have been me- in fact, this has been me. I would say I hope no one ever has to go through such a life experience ever, but the reality is- in one way or another we all will.


One can only hope, we come out ok on the other end.



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